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Global Freshgate: Are Tide Pods AU's New Lemongrass Chicken?

dining restaurants


American University


- satire

Global Freshgate: Are Tide Pods AU's New Lemongrass Chicken?

The Rival investigates

Naomi Eskenazi


AMERICAN UNIVERSITY, January 16th 11:00AM -- Global Fresh lifted its gates once again to serve our AU community for a brand-new semester. Only this time, something was different: Global Fresh's signature dish, Lemongrass Chicken, had vanished from the menu.
Thousands of students, rather than feeling enthusiastic and prepared for their return to class, felt dread and sorrow over the loss of what was arguably the only good dining option on campus.
Every day of the fall semester, Global Fresh's lines would spill outside the Tavern. For miles you would hear nothing but "Lemongrass, please" with the occasional ramen order causing a massive hold up.

Lemongrass was all the students wanted, and Global Fresh's business was booming. It was so beloved that a petition on was created in a student-led effort to bring back the cherished entrée, but so far there doesn't seem to be any change looming on the horizon.
So why would Global Fresh get rid of one of their most profitable menu selections? It just didn't make any sense.
"It's not a big deal; they change the menu every semester," one AU senior remarked when asked about this anomaly.
But one freshman here at AU wasn't so sure. They asked to remain anonymous for their safety.

"At first, I was like all the other students. I was sorely disappointed that my favorite dining option had been altered this way, but didn't really think much of it," the student said. "But then I started to look back at the kitchen and would see these big plastic IKEA containers filled with some strange mixture of fluid and mystery meat."
Sources have followed Global Fresh's money trail and have traced it to AU Housing and Dining offices who are believed to be behind this. They have removed our sacred Lemongrass Chicken for a sinister scheme happening right here on our campus - to replace our food options with our country's growing trend: Tide Pods.

"Now I've been looking back to spot those weird containers, but now they've been filled with Tide Pods!" the student exclaimed.

In light of the student's discovery they've noticed strange things such as the MGC side doors now being locked, making this student feel unsafe and worried they'll end up locked up in the basement of TDR.
AU has turned to Tide Pods as a way to fill the Lemongrass-less void, and apparently, they've turned out to be a pretty big hit - too big of a hit. Just as Lemongrass Chicken was AU's most addictive substance, Tide Pods could be comparable to this country's opioid epidemic.
What could be the motivation for AU Housing and Dining to do this? Reports have been uncovered that since the start of the new semester with Global Fresh's menu change, meal plan purchases have increased, students have been refilling their dining dollars daily, the Wonk bus has decreased its Tenleytown grocery trips, and Global Fresh is predicted to engulf the entire Tavern and possibly even put Subway out of business.

The investigation into the conspirators is still ongoing. University officials have denied any wrongdoing and threatened to shut down the investigation should it become too disruptive. At the present time, none of the students who reportedly ate Tide Pods were available for comment.

Now with the utilization of Tide Pods, Global Fresh is conquering AU dining, but students still want their sweet, sweet Lemongrass Chicken to make a comeback.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Due to decline in popularity of Tide Pods, Global Fresh has brought back Lemongrass Chicken to its menu.